ESPN2, Desperate for Programming

Right now, on ESPN2, there is the most mesmerizing program in the history of "The Deuce." Apparently, it is called "Viking: The Ultimate Obstacle Course Challenge." Brief research tells us that this is a show from Fuji TV in Japan.

I would try to recap this, but it's absolutely too difficult. I can only present a random stream of mental firings:

-- The obstacle course takes place on a large set that apparently is supposed to be a Viking ship, but instead looks like something from Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride, if this ride in fact took place in hell.

-- It is participated in solely by expressionless Japanese people. Whenever one falls in an especially painful manner, the camera cuts to the crowd, where Japanese families are laughing uproariously.

-- Dave Ryan is announcing in the same tone of voice he would use if Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals was in quadruple overtime and there were IRA snipers in the crowd.

-- The contestants have to climb over various things, jump over various things, and in the middle, solve a fairly simple math problem, which Mr. Ryan has reminded us three times in ten minutes is "fourth-grade level."

-- There is a color commentator. Who, I'm not sure, but he should probably consider killing himself, seeing as how he was not good enough to be anything but the sidekick on this show.

-- The portions of the course have names like they're holes at Augusta National, such as "The Odyssey" and "The Castaway" and "The Cannonball Run."

-- Overall, the show is "Most Extreme Elimination Challenge" combined with "Nickelodeon Funhouse." It's like "World's Strongest Man" if you took acid, "American Gladiators" combined with anime. It defies description. There is no good reason for it to be on ESPN. And yet, I can't tear myself away.

Steven A. Smith, watch your back, VIKING is coming for you.