Minnesota Wild: Inside Deadline Day

With a day to let the Chris Simon trade sink in, we've realized: something is going on at the Wild offices. And ultimately, we think we know what.

Below, we have an EXCLUSIVE look at the conversations inside the Minnesota Wild war room on trade deadline day.

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(Inside the depths of the Xcel Energy Center)


DOUGLEY LAMARR: All right. I'm through being Mr. Goodbar. The time has come to act and act quickly. All of my plans have backfired; instead of people ignoring my franchise, they're keeping their season tickets in droves.



LILI VON SCHTUPP: Why don't you admit it - Calgary and Anaheim are too much of a man for you. You're gonna need an army to beat them! You're finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!

DOUGLEY LAMARR: Shut up! I must think.... wait a minute, wait a minute, she said "army." Of course! An army of the worst dregs ever to soil the face of the Western Conference. Taggart!



TAGGART: Yes sir!

DOUGLEY LAMARR: I've decided to launch an attack that will reduce Calgary to ashes.

TAGGART: Whaddya want me to do, sir?

DOUGLEY LAMARR: I want you to round up every vicious criminal in the league. Take this down.

I want rustlers. Cutthroats. Murderers. Bounty hunters. Desperados. Mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, train robbers, bank robbers, goon fighters, steroid users, stick swingers, AND METHODISTS!


(later, outside on West 7th Street)

DOUGLEY LAMARR: Next! Qualifications?



CHRIS SIMON: Skate-stomping, cross-checking, stick-swinging, and skate-stomping.

DOUGLEY LAMARR: You said skate-stomping twice.

CHRIS SIMON: I like skate-stomping.


(Dougley gets up in front of the group)

DOUGLEY LAMARR: Men!



DOUGLEY LAMARR: You are about to embark on a great crusade - to stamp out runaway decency in the Western Conference! Now, you will only be risking your lives - and 20-game suspensions - whereas I will be risking an almost certain Executive of the Year nomination! Now raise your right hand for the pledge!

RIGHT!

Now repeat after me: I...

MEN: I...

DOUGLEY LAMARR: ...your name...

MEN: ...your name...

DOUGLEY LAMARR: Shmucks. Pledge allegiance...

MEN: ...pledge allegiance...

DOUGLEY LAMARR: ...to Dougley Lamarr...

MEN: ...to Dougie Lamarr...

DOUGLEY LAMARR: That's Dougley!

MEN: That's Dougley....

DOUGLEY LAMARR: And to the evil, for which he stands... Now go do that voodoo that you do SO WELL....



(yelling, shooting, steroid abuse, swinging of fists, of sticks, of skate blades)