On Hiatus

Summer seems like a good chance to take some time off from this blog.

For one thing, I'm tired of being a crank. It seems like 95% of my posts are nothing but barely-contained, childish outbursts, and I have to imagine that after awhile, this gets tiring to read. Even Pat Reusse breaks up his curmudgeonly side with the occasional human-interest story. Sitting around and pointing out the failures of others is no way to live. I love sports; they're fun to play and fun to watch and, most of all, fun to watch with others, and nobody likes the pessimist who is perpetually squawking from the corner of the room.

For another thing, posting every day makes me feel like I must post every day, and I'm not so sure that writing often isn't the enemy of writing well. I have been slinging down tripe lately, absolute bilge and complete balderdash, all in the name of having something to say. It occurs to me that writing just to have something to write, is nothing more than getting effect mixed up with cause.

A break, then, and for how long I can't say.

I'll obviously post links from the other regular sources; I'll be writing Monday columns and game recaps at Twinkie Town, and weekend links on Saturdays at RandBall, and I'll be writing once a week for the T-Wolves Blog as well.

I'll sign off for now; catch ya on the flip side.

GameDay Chatter Appearance

For those who missed it - which was nearly everyone, including me - I've posted the text of my AM 1500 appearance on Sunday afternoon. [Twinkie Town]

Weekend Links

At some point today, there will be links. [RandBall]

Listen Sunday for "GameDay Chatter," on AM 1500 KSTP

Just a note: at some point today, I'm recording a quick 60-second piece about the Twins front office for AM 1500 KSTP. It'll eventually be played as part of the the "GameDay Chatter" segment on the Twins Radio Network "Extra Innings" postgame show on Sunday afternoon, with Kris "Craig Applecherry" Atteberry and Jack Morris.

I'm not exactly sure when it'll be on, but if you happen to be near a radio on Sunday afternoon, I invite you to give it a listen.

RandBall: Commenter of the Week

Large voting irregularities produced my election as last week's Commenter of the Week over at RandBall. Appropriately, I then proceeded to use my 300 words discussing minor sports. You've been warned.

The Endorsement: Fran Tarkenton

I find it somewhat hard to believe that any readers don't know who Francis Tarkenton was, but to sum up: he's the greatest quarterback in Vikings history, and he's head, shoulders, abdomen, and upper thighs above any competitors. Minnesota hasn't really had a steady quarterback since Tarkenton quit scrambling in 1978, apart from Daunte Culpepper or maybe Tommy Kramer, and neither can hold a candle to "Fran", who retired as the NFL's career passing leader.

His #10 is retired, his fame in Minnesota is secure - and now, he's speaking for all right-thinking Vikings fans everywhere. The Athens, GA native was on 790 AM in Atlanta, and he had plenty of strong words for professional egotist Brett Favre. Here's what he had to say:

“I think it’s despicable. What he put the Packers through last year was not good. Here’s an organization that was loyal to him for 17, 18 years, provided stability of organization, provided players. It just wasn’t about Brett Favre. In this day and time, we have glorified the Brett Favres of the world so much, they think it’s about them. He goes to New York and bombs. He’s 39 years old. How would you like Ray Nitschke in his last year with the Vikings, or I retire, and go play for the Packers? I kind of hope it happens, so he can fail.

“He told the Packers, 'I’m retiring.' They’ve got to move on. They’ve got to go through their offseason plan, their workouts, they go with the other quarterback, who is a good player, and then he comes back and says, 'I think I want to play.' ... You build your team in the offseason. Everybody knows that. It’s about team. It’s not about Brett Favre. So he goes and runs up to the Jets, doesn’t even dress in the locker room with the players. Has a separate facility. Playing quarterback is about the relationships you have with your coaches, with your players, with your trainers, with your managers. How can you do that if you show up on gameday and you haven’t put the time in. And now he’s trying to do it again in Minnesota."

We wholeheartedly endorse Tarkenton's statement - all except the part about "I kind of hope it happens." Favre's self-aggrandizing, look-at-me act is one of the more repulsive cries for attention we've ever heard, and Tarkenton's words speak for all Vikings fans who haven't been blinded by some half-remembered John Madden bloviating from 1998.

Francis Tarkenton, we salute you. Please continue to make your voice heard.

The CW Report: May 27

It's time once again for us to take a closer look at the conventional wisdom...

May 27, 2009
Memorial Day has come and gone, and now summer's officially here. We're completely ready for all of the great things about summer - outdoor baseball! Cookouts! Long, lazy summer evenings, when the sun doesn't seem to go down until about 10:30! - while forgetting all of the horrible things about summer. Mosquitoes! Dew points in the 70s! Airless days when even flies won't leave the shade! Just kidding. Even the CW's not that much of a downer. Bring on summer!
	Twins hitting - Really, this is mostly because of Mauer who's hitting like steroid-era Barry Bonds right now. But Morneau and Cuddyer have been hot, Crede's hitting home runs... by the numbers: team leads league in OPS in May, and is second in home runs. It's like the 1987 Twins in here!
	Twins pitching - Baker was better, Swarzak's first start was good, Ayala and Dickey have been okay lately - but Liriano's still horrible, and only the disabled list can save Perkins. Barely one pitcher (Nathan?) on the staff right now that you'd trust to start a big game, or get an important out, though.
	Twins overall - Like 1987, they can't win except at home. Like 2008, interleague play might help save the season (3-0 so far). It's all ifs and buts, but if this team could put it all together for more than two straight days, they'd be five games ahead rather than five games back in the Central.
	Auto racing - TV ratings, sponsorship dollars, car company involvement all way down across the sport - whether NASCAR, IndyCar, or Formula One. CW wonders: is racing a niche sport that's just finding its level in a down economy - or a giant quietly dying?
	Minnesota Wild - You can't throw a rock without hitting somebody who's ready to praise new GM Chuck Fletcher. And he's thinking about hiring a former Gopher as coach! Someone still CW's quickly beating heart...
	Minnesota Timberwolves - CW can't quite tell what it doesn't like about David Kahn. Maybe it's just that he comes across as a jerk; maybe it's because there's no evidence he's better at player evaluation than the old braintrust. Either way: optimism is minimal.

Arsenal: Happy St. Michael's Day!

Today is a big day for Arsenal fans, especially for those who've been fans much longer than I. It's the 20th anniversary of May 26 1989, better known to Arsenal fans as "St. Michael's Day."

By way of explanation: Twenty years ago today, Arsenal beat Liverpool 2-0 at Anfield to clinch the 1989 league title. Due to the mathematics of that year's title race, nothing less than a 2-0 win would have done - and so Michael Thomas's goal in second-half stoppage time lifted Arsenal from second place to first, giving them the league title for the first time in 18 years.

It's hard to express, in terms we'd all understand, just how shocking and exciting this would be. It's something on the order of a full-court, buzzer-beating heave to win Game 7 of the NBA Finals.

Arseblog has more, along with this video:



So: Happy St. Michael's Day!

Elsewhere: The Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling and Wake

Major news from Gloucestershire: the 2009 edition of the Cooper's Hill Cheese Rolling and Wake is in the books!

This year's edition went off without a hitch, by which we mean that nobody died. There were, however, enough major injuries that the races had to be delayed three different times while the bodies from previous races were cleared.

As you may remember from 2007 or 2008, this yearly tradition is one of the great sporting events in the world, and proceeds as follows:

1. A round, Double Gloucester cheese is released from the top of Cooper's Hill at the same time as about 20 young people begin chasing said cheese from the top of the hill.
2. The cheese bounces down the hill, eventually reaching speeds of around 70 mph and zooming off into the distance, never to be seen again.
3. The young people bounce down the hill at a slightly slower rate, eventually cartwheeling into the arms of paramedics, where they are taken off to the hospital to be treated for major injuries and extreme stupidity.

On to the video - which, naturally, includes long shots of all three stretcher cases.



5,000 people and a host of media showed up to watch. Truly, they do not have enough to do in Gloucestershire - especially the guy who raced in a jockstrap, and is likely waking up this morning with a fair bit of Cooper's Hill still lodged in his rear end.

The BBC also has video, along with the news that only several people had to be taken to the hospital, including one spectator who fell out of a tree (and then bounced fifty yards down a hill, one presumes.)

Chris Anderson of Brockworth won not one but two races this year. You may remember Anderson from his win in 2007, or possibly his win in 2008, when he couldn't claim the cheese until he was released from the hospital.

Anderson is certainly the King of Cheese Chasing, but unfortunately, he is retiring to spend more time with his remaining unbroken limbs and his two living brain cells, and so the 2010 race is still wide open. Other winners of a very international-flavored edition of the Cheese Rolling included Scott Beaven of Wales, Chris Geitz of Australia, and in the women's race, Michelle Kokiri of New Zealand.

Congratulations to all involved, especially those two or three competitors who made it down the hill with their bodies entirely intact.

RandBall: Weekend Links

At some point today, weekend links will be up over at RandBall.

Then he - and I - are taking off for the long weekend.

Wild, Timberwolves re-orient franchises

Funny how these things work; we went so long with no general managers, and suddenly two teams make hires on the same day.

The Wild will announce Pittsburgh assistant general manager Chuck Fletcher as the team's new GM today. Before we react, a key piece of information:

This is Chuck Fletcher.

We wouldn't have needed the picture had the Wild hired Pierre McGuire or Pat Quinn, but Fletcher's going to be the guy in charge of the franchise now, and we should at least take the time to learn what he looks like.

Three other things we should know about Fletcher:

1. His dad is Cliff Fletcher, who ran the Flames and Maple Leafs successfully in the 80s and 90s (and later failed in Phoenix, but so would have anyone.) Fletcher took over Toronto briefly last year after the team finally fired John Ferguson Jr., so between that and the younger Fletcher landing in the stew that Doug Risebrough has cooked up here, we know that neither is afraid of the occasional lost cause.
2. In the past, Fletcher has been responsible for negotiating player contracts and for player evaluation and drafting. I really can't think of anything else that a GM is responsible for, but you can make a case that Risebrough was terrible at both, so that's an upgrade.
3. Current Leafs GM Brian Burke absolutely loves the guy. As near as I can tell, this is the only strike against Fletcher.

The next step will be for Fletcher to hire a coach, then get down to the business of getting ready for the draft, which takes place near the end of June. Fletcher will have his hands full, but all indications are that he's up to the task.

And then there's the Wolves.

Owner Glen Taylor hired former Pacers executive David Kahn, and when we say former, we mean former. Kahn's been out of the league since 2002, and if it's one thing that the Timberwolves don't want, it's somebody with his finger on the pulse, I think we can all agree on that.

Here's a picture of Kahn, for the uninitiated:

This isn't fair.

Here's the real picture:

Might not be fair, but the resemblance is striking, isn't it?

Three things we should know about Kahn:

1. Between his Pacers tenure and this hire, Kahn owned a couple of D-League franchises, and if there's better training for running the Timberwolves, I can't think of it.
2. He once said in an interview that one of the proudest moments in his career involved engineering a deal for Jamaal Tinsley, who was forbidden from attending Pacers practices this past year despite being under contract. So: good one, right?
   
3. He was, at best, the team's fourth choice for the job, but the leading three candidates turned the team down. To say that this hire is underwhelming would be rather an understatement.

The next step for Kahn will be... actually, nobody knows. Taylor seems set on keeping pretty much the entire organization around, including acting GM Fred Hoiberg and coach Kevin McHale, so at the moment it's hard to imagine any real changes being made. And given that Kahn is a lawyer turned sports management guy, whose main strength is working on the cap and not evaluating talent, it's hard to see how this really helps the basketball side of the equation at Target Center.

One good hire, one bad hire. One fanbase excited, another one depressed (if Wolves fans can be said to be capable of getting any more depressed.)

Funny how these things work.

Twinkie Town: Twins vs. Sox

The Twins beat the White Sox by a football score on Thursday, and I was over at Twinkie Town, doing a recap.

Confusingly, I also ended up doing a late-breaking recap of Wednesday night's 7-4 loss. Pointless as this is now, here's the link to that as well.

Thursday: Searching for something positive

Nothing about the Twins this morning; we're trying to stay positive, a difficult feat following a seven-run inning.

The Saints also got creamed by Lincoln.

The Wolves not only don't have a new general manager and coach, they're out of candidates as well. The Wild, worryingly, are considering going with the status quo rather than in a new direction. The Vikings are participating in Organized Team Activities, which is just as paragraph-of-a-mortgage-contract exciting as it sounds.

The less said about the Thunder, the better right now - and every other minor-league team is out of season.

The moratorium on Gopher-related writing is still in effect, and anyway they had no events yesterday.

So: I've got nothing, at least nothing positive. Any ideas?

UPDATE 11:30 AM: So far this morning, we've learned that Cy Young Award winner Jake Peavy is headed for the White Sox, and that the Timberwolves are going to hire Indiana idiot David Kahn as their GM.

It just gets worse.

Minnesota Timberwolves: The bad luck continues

For the uninitiated: the Timberwolves once again came out substantially as losers in the NBA Draft Lottery. They were the team with the fifth-worst record; they'll pick sixth.

(punches self in face)

Adding insult to injury, earlier this offseason, the Wolves won a coin flip with Memphis to determine which would have the fifth-best chance of winning the lottery, and which would have sixth-best.

Of course - of course - the Grizzlies moved up to #2, and will get the chance to pick Spanish point guard Ricky Rubio, the player Minnesota so desperately needed.

(slams head in door)

This is the Wolves' 12th chance at the brass ring in the lottery; this is also their 12th straight failure to move up. They've never picked higher than third in the draft, despite being regular features among the worst five teams in the league, and despite a stretch from 1992-95 when the Wolves were one of the worst two teams four years in a row - yet never picked higher than third.

(knifes self in thigh)

Everyone seems to think Minnesota will take Demar DeRozan, who is a defreshman at deUSC. The scouting report on DeRozan is that he's obscenely talented but has a tendency to be lazy, which is always a good sign from a guy who knows he has a big payday coming up.

(stares hauntedly into space for 45 minutes)

...

But hey! Sacramento was even worse than us, and they fell all the way to #4! Just like we used to! So things could be worse!

Ah, schadenfreude. What else could get us through a day like this?

The CW Report: May 19

It's time once again for us to take a closer look at the conventional wisdom...

May 19, 2009
Once again, we're struggling to find any sign of an up arrow. Summer has a tendency to do that, sometimes; if the Twins are losing, then it seems like everything's headed downhill.
	Minnesota Twins - The team loses four straight to the Yankees, by a total of five runs, and leaves approximately eleven hundred runners on base in the process. This one's not attributable to just one person; this was a total team failure.
	Minnesota Timberwolves - STILL no general manager hired, with one more candidate off the list. The Wolves could very well begin 2009-10 with the exact same front office with which they finished 2008-09. CW on that: Blearrgh. (Lottery win tonight could turn this arrow around, though.)
	Minnesota Thunder - Bottom of the league after a home loss to the second-worst team in the league. CW kind of wishes it had an arrow for "way, way, WAY down."
	Minnesota Vikings - Organized team activities start this week - but all the talk will still be about Brett Favre, Antoine Winfield's collapsing contract negotiations, and the StarCaps lawsuit. On the bright side: they had the sense not to make a big push for a stadium to the already-strapped Legislature.
	Houston Aeros - Wild farm team makes a surprising run to AHL conference finals (though they're on the verge of getting swept there.) Possible downside: makes coach Kevin Constantine and assistant GM Tom Lynn much more attractive as big-club candidates, and they'd be LemaireAndRisebrough Mark II.
	Indy 500 - Confusingly long qualifying format presages race with perhaps two recognizable faces (Danica Patrick and possibly Helio Castroneves, who won "Dancing With the Stars" awhile back and recently nearly went to jail on tax evasion charges.) Some recognizable names - Andretti, Rahal, Foyt - but not the ones you remember from the 80s, and IRL does nothing to capitalize on the names. All of which is to say: didn't this race used to, you know, matter?

Twinkie Town: NYY 7, MIN 6

The Yankees beat the Twins on Monday night, 7-6 - and my recap is up over at Twinkie Town.

Twinkie Town: How bad is the bullpen?

Over at Twinkie Town, I take a look at the Twins bullpen's numbers, with the goal of answering one question: is Minnesota's 'pen the worst in the majors?

RandBall: Weekend Links

RandBall's yet to kick me out.

Friday: The Roundup

MLB: Twins 6, Detroit 5 - It's good to know that there's a team in baseball that has worse problems in the bullpen than the Twins. Detroit's relievers pitched twelve innings in the three-game series, giving up an Ayala-like 15 runs in the process - including six runs to the Twins in the seventh inning of this one, after Justin Verlander had more or less dominated Minnesota through six and a third. Of those 19 outs that Verlander got, 13 were strikeouts; he was nigh-unhittable until the seventh. In the seventh, though, the Twins put together a one-out Buscher single and a Punto walk to chase Verlander. Detroit's Bobby Seay came in and promptly doused the flames in gasoline, giving up a Span single and then walking Tolbert with the bases full to plate a run. Mauer drove in a run with a ground-ball out, but two-out hits from Morneau, Kubel, and Crede - with a walk in between the latter two from Cuddyer - drove in four more. Seay ended up allowing both inherited runners plus four more runs to score, enough to give the Twins the win. Scott Baker pulled his usual Jekyll and Hyde routine - he faced the minimum 15 hitters through five innings, erasing the only hit via a double play... and then fell apart, allowing six hits - four with two out - and five runs. Ultimately, though, it didn't matter; the only thing less effective than Scott Baker after five innings, is the Tiger bullpen.

AA: Saints open season with wild, ugly loss - Speaking of bullpen problems: the St. Paul Saints, everybody! In their 2009 opener, St. Paul dropped a 13-12 decision in 10 innings to Sioux Falls, after leading 12-10 heading into the top of the ninth. Former Atlanta Brave (and Minnesota Gopher) Kerry Ligtenberg gave up back-to-back doubles with two outs in the ninth to allow the Canaries to tie the score. And in the tenth, the Saints' Mike Bille walked a hitter, wild-pitched him around to third (once while trying to intentionally walk a hitter), then allowed the game-winning single. (Detroit is likely on the phone to both, wanting to know how soon they can be in a Tigers uniform.)

Thursday: The Roundup

Twins 14, Detroit 10, 13 innings - You can watch baseball for the rest of your life, and you may never see a walk-off grand slam in the 13th inning again.

Joe Crede ended a four-hour, 48-minute marathon by driving a hanging Brandon Lyon curve into the left-field stands, giving the Twins a four-run win after Jesse Crain nearly found the single dumbest way to lose a baseball game.

The Twins reliever allowed a Curtis Granderson triple in the top of the 13th, then balked - yes, balked - the potential winning run home. Granderson faked an attempted steal of home as Crain came to his set position, and Crain - who's apparently in seventh-grade baseball this year - panicked, didn't stop in his set position, and threw home. That's a balk.

In the bottom of the 13th, though, Jason Kubel singled, Denard Span bunted pinch-runner Nick Punto to second, and the shortstop scored on a Matt Tolbert single to re-tie the game at 10. Tolbert went to second on a Joe Mauer groundout, which was followed by two walks - Justin Morneau intentionally, Michael Cuddyer not - and Crede sent the few remaining fans home happy.

Minnesota led this game 3-0, 4-2, and 7-5, but the Twins pitching staff blew every lead, highlighted by the usual crap from Luis Ayala, who allowed two runs, both of which scored when Matt Guerrier gave up a three-run homer on the first pitch he threw.

Guerrier went on to give up another homer, but Jason Kubel bailed him out with a two-run shot in the eighth to tie the game at nine.

Remember back in 2001, when Jason Giambi beat the Twins in a 14-inning marathon with a walk-off grand slam at Yankee Stadium? Feels a lot better to be on the good end of one, doesn't it?

Wednesday: The Roundup

Twins 6, Detroit 2 - Today's top story: Twins get lead, bullpen doesn't blow it.

Although Jesse Crain tried; he gave up a home run and a walk and failed to retire a batter for his second straight outing. I'd abuse him more, except 25,000 people already voiced their displeasure after he left the mound.

Luckily, the Jose Mijares-Matt Guerrier-Joe Nathan combo shut things down from there, and if the Twins are going to win close games this year, you can bet that those three and nobody else from the bullpen will be involved. Not that anybody has any particular confidence in Mijares or Guerrier, but this year they're the only two besides Nathan that have shown an ability to get at least half of the batters they face out.

At the plate, Joe Crede and Joe Mauer each hit their fourth homers of the year (and Mauer had one robbed, too.) It's time to ask (mostly tongue-in-cheek) - is part of Mauer's treatment plan, uh, injections of some kind?

The CW Report: May 12

It's time once again for us to take a closer look at the conventional wisdom...

May 12, 2009
The CW wishes it had nice things to say this week. But the Wolves and Wild have been done for a month, the Twins and Thunder have been disappointing, the Saints haven't started yet... there's not much out there for up arrows right now. 'Tis the season to be negative (and to start planning the Memorial Day cookouts!)
	Twins bullpen - Beyond Joe Nathan, there's not a single trustworthy pitcher in the entire group, and at least two (Ayala and Dickey) are no better than batting-practice pitchers. We'd call this the team's Achilles heel, but it's more like the team's Missing Left Leg.
	Minnesota Timberwolves - You know what a team with major holes to fill and five draft picks really needs? An extended period of time with absolutely nobody in charge!
	Formula One - Rules changes were supposed to result in actual racing, but a couple teams designed a magic car that pretty much ruined that. Oh, and half the teams might pull out of the competition next year. Well done, fellas.
	Outdoor baseball - The St. Paul Saints open their season Thursday, and their home slate a week from tonight. Nothing like the crack of the bat in the open air, really. (Enjoy that last season with the Twins indoors, guys.)
	Craig Leipold - Positive spin: Taking his time to make the right choice to re-orient the franchise. Negative spin: Boy, this looks exactly like the Wolves' GM search!
	Minnesota Thunder - Zero wins so far, and they lost an exhibition match against an amateur team last weekend. After a one-year "renaissance" (read: seventh place), the team appears to be headed back to the bottom of the league.

Twinkie Town: LOLTwins

Today's Twinkie Town effort runs to over 11,000 words, if you use the old "1 picture = 1,000 words" equation.

In point of fact, there are probably fewer than 100 words in the post, although many of them are superimposed on pictures in true HAZ CHEEZBURGER style.

It's hard to explain. Just go there.

Monday: The Roundup

MLB: Seattle 5, Twins 3 - Nick Blackburn pitched wonderfully, tossing seven shutout innings and leaving the game with a two-run lead, despite the offense's inability to get runners on base around to score.

Then the Twins bullpen got involved.

An illustration:



Jose Mijares, who's blown leads in two consecutive appearances now, undid all of Blackburn's hard work by giving up a two-run homer. Jesse Crain assured himself of getting his name in the box score by giving up the game-winners, including wild-pitching home the go-ahead run. (This is frustrating even when it happens in seventh-grade baseball. Not for nothing has Crain earned the nickname "Crainwreck.")

The Twins are off today, which should enable the team to finally get to turn a number on their
_ Days Without a Workplace Blown Lead" board.

RandBall: Weekend Links

It must be Saturday.

Also, TNABACG would like to officially endorse "Star Trek," a movie that should be seen by everyone.

Twinkie Town: Game Recap

I was shanghaied for emergency game recap duty Friday night. Here's my effort.

Cricket: Good name for a rock band

Channeling Dave Barry:


"Debutant Onions" would be a great name for a rock band.


That headline was seen on BBC Sport, and referred to England cricketer Graham Onions, who I think we can all agree has one of the greatest names ever invented. Onions took five wickets in his Test debut against the West Indies, including three in one over, and four in seven balls.

(Even when I do know what I'm talking about, cricket talk just looks like garbled jargon, doesn't it?)

Friday: The Roundup

MLB: Baltimore 5, Twins 4 - That's three losses in a row for the Twins, who've dropped five out of six and are suddenly five games out of first place, chasing the red-hot Royals. Minnesota outhit Baltimore 14-9, but the punchless Twins got only one extra-base hit, and managed to turn 13 singles and a double into just four runs. On the flip side, Baltimore hit two home runs off of Glen Perkins, giving the O's four for the series.

The Twins? They haven't hit a home run since last Saturday.

In the eighth, Jose Mijares allowed his first run of the year, as he had two Orioles down to an 0-2 count with two out but managed to retire neither, and it was enough for hapless Baltimore to get the two-game sweep.

I say hapless, but let's be fair; the Orioles are only one game worse off than the Twins at this point. Which team is really beyond help here?

NFL: It's That Time Again

Self-aggrandizing. That's the phrase we've been looking for.

Don't try to tell us that this isn't your fault, Brett. You could have ended the speculation weeks ago. All it would take is one unequivocal statement to your best buddy Peter King, or really anyone else, and this whole thing would be over.

Instead, you have to play coy. You have to let Brad Childress chase you, you have to let ESPN talk about you, you have to drag this out like a 40-year-old homecoming queen who still won't take off her tiara. Stop it. Just stop it.

Timberwolves: Bill Simmons for GM!

Poster credit: Kirscht

I've briefly covered this elsewhere, but here's the long and short of it: ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons, who follows basketball like few others, has thrown his hat in the ring (via podcast, Twitter, and interview with Friend of TNABACG Mike Rand) for the Timberwolves' vacant GM job.

I wholeheartedly support this idea.

The main reason is this: why the heck not? The Wolves can't get anybody else to take the job; they're currently attempting to woo several other retread assistant GMs, all of whom have no qualifications except a willingness to take enormous amounts of money to fail at their jobs.

I'm not saying that Simmons would necessarily be a great basketball mind, but he can't possibly be any worse than anybody else the Wolves can get. He actually wants the job. It would get people interested in the franchise again (especially the web generation, which the Wolves desperately need to draw). It would help sell tickets, stupid as that sounds. It would give a boring, mediocre team some life.

So why not? There's no good reason.

Of course, I harbor no real illusions that this could work - Glen Taylor, for all his virtues and all his faults, does not seem like enough of a maverick to hire a sports columnist as a general manger. That said, across town, the Wild are considering hiring TV talking head Pierre McGuire, and while McGuire is a former coach and former front-office guy, one of his selling points is that he's seen so much hockey as a media member that he'd be as near an expert as you can get. How is Simmons any different?

You can get involved, if you like: email Timberwolves president Chris Wright at wright@timberwolves.com, or join the Facebook group. (I can't pretend either of these things will really accomplish anything, but you might as well.)

So: Simmons in '09! It's just crazy enough to work!

Thursday: The Roundup

MLB: Baltimore 4, Twins 1 (6 inn.) - First it rained. Then it stopped raining, the Twins and the Orioles played three innings (with another break in the middle for rain)... and then it started raining again. After another hour and a half of sitting around, 95% of the fans had gone home, both starters had left, and pretty much everyone on both teams was swinging at anything within reach. This will happen when a game scheduled for 6pm is in the fifth inning at quarter after 10. Then it started raining hard again. An old man in center field started loading animals two by two into an ark. And finally, after over three hours of rain delays, that was enough to convince the umpires that God clearly did not want to watch the Twins attempt to hit any more. Anyway, in between grounds crew exhibitions, Minnesota did virtually nothing, punching out five dinky singles, two of which went off the pitcher's glove. The Orioles hit a couple of homers - Nick Markakis got one in the first, Luke Scott in the fourth - and that was more than enough to beat the hapless Twins.

NFL: Favre either a done deal or not likely to join Vikings - It all depends on who you listen to. Brad Childress headed south to meet with Favre on Wednesday, and both metro papers are reporting that Favre's signature on a Minnesota contract is all but a done deal. Meanwhile, Favre's agent says that Favre is not returning. So there's some confusion. The sticking point seems to be whether Favre would have to show up for off-season activities or not; Favre doesn't want to, even though he'd be joining a new team and learning to deal with a new set of personnel. This is how selfish Brett Favre is: he's not concerned with winning, only with his own personal off-season enjoyment. I can't tell you how much I hate what could be Favre's imminent signing. But it would seem that all the screaming in the world can't prevent it.

On Arsenal

In the summer of 2002, I was going to school in the evenings and working nights, an arrangement that was almost completely defeating, except for one thing: it meant that I had no problem staying up until the wee hours of the morning to watch the 2002 World Cup. The USA put in its best-ever showing in modern days, reaching the quarter-finals, and the experience made me a soccer fan for life. I'd tasted the best that "football" had to offer, watching my country clobber Mexico, and I wanted more.

This is how I came to pick an English soccer team to follow. Ever since, I've felt a little guilty about the cold rationality of that decision; the other teams that I love were all rather forced upon me, as the product of my home state and of family inheritance. This was different. I wanted to be a soccer fan because I'd discovered that I loved watching soccer, and I wanted to be an English soccer fan because it was on cable TV and the media coverage was in a language I didn't have to painstakingly translate and because I knew without a team to follow, sports just aren't as much fun.

I had to pick out a team, and going in, I was determined to meet a few criteria. (More embarrassing cold rationality.) I wanted a team that would be on TV, and that meant picking a team that would be competitive enough to stay in the top division and perhaps win some things.

(This is not an idle consideration; of the twenty teams that began 2002-2003 in the Premier League, seven have since been relegated at least once, and two more are fighting relegation this year. Dedicated as I planned to be, I wasn't optimistic enough to assume that my future allegiance could survive a year or more without seeing my team play.)

And secondly, I was determined - absolutely determined - not to follow Manchester United.

It's not too much of a stretch to say that Manchester United was the only team that most kids like me (soccer-ignorant, and from the prairies of the north) had ever heard of, growing up. Sports Illustrated even ran a long article on them once, as I recall, covering what I now know was United's chase for the "Treble" in 1999.

By 2002, I knew more, but I also knew that ManU were the popular team for Americans to follow, and this was because they precisely resembled the New York Yankees - able to spend more money than the rest of the league put together, able to financially operate on a different playing field, and virtually unbeatable by the rest of a league that was effectively playing uphill.

Certainly there are ManU fans (as there are Yankees fans and Red Sox fans) who came by their fandom honestly, who aren't the type of glory hunters that were Dallas Cowboys fans in the 1990s and are New England Patriots fans now. But in 2002, I knew that if it was United I picked, a glory hunter I would be.

And yet it was glory, in a way, that I was after. I didn't want to follow Bolton through season after season of mid-table obscurity, or follow Southampton down the league ladder. All I wanted was a team that could be competitive, but honestly, and without spending hundreds of millions of dollars each year to beat down the rest of the league.

This is all a long way of explaining my rationale, perhaps only to myself, of why I wanted to choose an underdog, yet ended up picking the reigning league champions in Arsenal.

Arsenal had a long tradition, they had league championships, they had 85 consecutive years of top-flight football - and they'd done it without simply buying the best three players available each summer. As I was to find out before the season began that fall, they also have perhaps the best soccer book ever written (Fever Pitch, by Nick Hornby) in their history, as well as one of the most exciting moments (Michael Thomas's league-winning goal at the death of the 1989 season.)

It has now been seven seasons since I made the call to follow the Arsenal. I've followed the boys from North London through some truly great times - the FA Cup in 2003 and 2005, the last-day heroics to clinch a European place in 2006 in the final match at Highbury, and the wonderful, magical, Invincibles season in 2003-2004.

I still feel guilty about picking out the league titleholders as "my" team in 2002, sometimes, but in other ways they are the underdog at the top. The club has been almost entirely built through comparatively cheap purchases; Arsenal entirely paid for their new half-billion-dollar stadium (none of your public stadium subsidies in England, I guess), and have thus had to continue to buy players for 5 million pounds while the other big clubs regularly spend 25-35 million on single players. Comparatively, this is splitting hairs; plenty of other top-flight clubs go three and four years at a time without spending so much on one player, but compared to the teams that Arsenal regularly competes with at the top of the league, the Gunners practically look like misers.



Why write this now? It's to explain why I'm downtrodden - but not broken-hearted - about Arsenal's loss in the Champions League semi-finals yesterday, to Manchester United. If I have to ask myself why I care so much, why I'm willing to endure the pain of a favorite team's loss when I already had so much pain back in 2002 - it's because that's exactly what I chose.

I could have picked Manchester United, and seen three (soon to be four) league titles, a Champions League title (perhaps soon to be two), and an FA Cup win. I could have latched on to Chelsea when they became even richer than ManU, and grabbed two league titles, three cups, and a possible Champions League victory this season. Even Liverpool have a Champions League win and an FA Cup since 2002.

But I'm happy with Arsenal, with their empty trophy case for (now) four seasons, with the club's refusal to spend big money and with its tendency to let its biggest players walk elsewhere for more cash. Ultimately, this is exactly what I wanted - a wonderfully successful team that does it without resembling the Yankees.

I'm attached to Arsenal now, and they are attached to me, and horrible defeat is the price I pay to gain the benefits of fandom. They might have been thrashed 4-1 and embarassed by Manchester United yesterday, and losses like that give me that familiar feeling of having a rock in the pit of my stomach.

It's the same rock that I willingly chose back in 2002. Like that decision, seven years ago, I will regret this loss - but never for very long.

Tuesday: The Roundup

Twins 7, Detroit 2 - I feel like I'm starting to get Mondays at Twinkie Town figured out - here's my game recap for this one - and hopefully I'll continue to get better. Though maybe that's just because Minnesota won for the first time this year on a Monday.

Apart from the Twins, there's not much to talk about. No news on the GM/coach fronts for either the Wild or the Timberwolves; Wild owner Craig Leipold is taking his sweet time, and Wolves owner Glen Taylor is no doubt having trouble finding someone willing to try to turn this shipwreck right-side up.

As for today, the Twins close out their two-game set in Detroit tonight at 6:00, but my thoughts are on the second leg of the Arsenal-Manchester United semifinal in the Champions League (1:45 this afternoon). Friend of TNABACG Nathan may be in a bit later to tell you about how great Manchester United are, but don't be fooled: they are [redacted]s, each and every one of them.

Which they will probably show by thrashing Arsenal. But never mind that. This is the Gunners' last shot at winning anything at all this year; if they can't get the two-goal win (or at least the 1-0 win and the victory in the penalty shootout), then this whole stupid 60-match-plus season will have been for more or less naught.

Twinkie Town: Another Literary Parody

Once again, I have been moved to take a famous work of literature and drag it through the mud, in order to make fun of a local sports figure. The target is Scott Baker this time around (deservedly so, as he's been nothing but awful.)

Please, head on over to Twinkie Town to check it out.

Border Battle Cup: That cup's coming home!

I'm temporarily flouting the moratorium on writing about Gopher athletics to mention this: the Border Battle Cup is coming back to Minnesota!

Sunday, the Gopher men's golf team shot a +5 289 as a team, giving them second place at the Big Ten Championships - a full 21 shots ahead of tenth-place Wisconsin. This triumph gave the Gophers 40 points in the Cup, giving the home team an unassailable 455-345 lead with just 80 points left up for grabs.

This is Minnesota's second Cup win in five tries, and its first since 2005-06. (That said, the Gophers are ahead 2,040-1,820 over that five-year span - Wisconsin's three wins included a pair of 10-point triumphs and a 50-point win.)

Gophersports.com has the overall standings.

Monday: The Roundup

MLB: Kansas City 7, Twins 4 - Things looked good there for Scott Baker - the starter had a no-hitter through six innings and a 4-0 lead to work with. Just when we were all getting ready to ask, "What could go wrong?", Baker reminded us that when he's on the hill, things can ALWAYS go wrong. Two Royals singles to lead off the seventh were followed by Baker throwing a belt-high fastball - on an 0-2 count - to Jose Guillen. The latter happily deposited the pitch into the right-field stands. Baker compounded this failure by giving up two more singles before departing, which was all the opportunity Luis Ayala needed to let a few inherited runners score. In the space of six batters, the Twins went from up 4-0 on a hitless Royals team, to being down 5-4. Only Baker can accomplish such gas-can-on-flames theatrics. Anyway, RA Dickey came in and threw his usual batting-practice pitches, the Royals got about eighteen more hits and a couple more runs, and that was it. The Twins should have had the sweep, but in comic fashion, ended up losing the series. You have to laugh. (To keep from breaking the TV.)

(Late Saturday) USL: Vancouver 3, Thunder 2 - Things are not going well for the local side. Minnesota twice came from behind to equalize, both times thanks to Ricardo Sanchez, but a Vancouver penalty kick in the last minute of play gave the Whitecaps the win in the Thunder's first home match of the season. Sanchez had a chance to tie the game one more time, but his free kick in extra time hit the crossbar. The team still has just two points this year, from five matches, and would be on the bottom of the league if it weren't for Montreal (one point from three matches) and Cleveland (zero points from three.) I'm guessing no team's midfield has played worse than Minnesota's - Sanchez's goals notwithstanding. The Thunder now have a two-week break to get things all straightened out - they don't play again until Cleveland visits on May 16. (We can only hope that the team finds an entirely new midfield between now and the 16th.)